DO.

Today in mass, Fr. Marty started talking about confession and the way he was talking about it made it seem so nonchalant and normal (which, for devout Catholics it really is).  But I never really saw a use for it until now (maybe, still deciding).  In my Human Services class, we have been talking about routes for people to get help and how many people decide to go to their church.  Then I start thinking about how churches are pretty much therapy clinics, with the priest being the psychologist, the various groups being your outside support, and your reconciliations (what the priest tells you to do to get back on track, prayers and such) are your self-improvement projects.  Then I start thinking I want to go to confession and get involved with church because it is pretty much therapy for free.  And I wonder, these issues that are about to bust out of me because I want to talk about them with someone so bad..is the church/community the right place to explore ways of handling them? That's what they are there for right?

So I will give an overview of some of my issues: I was that little girl raised on Disney movies  (Princess ones, in particular) so I have been raised with this view that there is someone perfect out there for you, and when its right, you'll know and all the classic cliches on love.  Well I am giving it up now.  I focus so much on how I am doing in 'that department' and all it does is make me more pissed.  Just the fact that I feel so passionately about it to write it here ticks me off.  But what is there to do about it? I can't just ignore any inkling of love anyone shows me because I love loving people too much, but at times I just want to spare myself the pain and shut myself away so I don't have to deal with the more unfortunate events with romance.  And then there is that part of me that fuels this blog, that wants to share every single little detail with someone just to see a reaction, just to have someone hear or notice or (God forbid)  care.  But then I go right back to the beginning and decide to save myself the pain and keep to myself.  

And then there are the dichotomies.  While any set of interactions with an individual will have ups and downs, do I regret having that interaction because of the downs? Or do I cherish it instead because of the ups? Essentially, do I hold on to hoping for someone to follow through, or do I say goodbye and move on before I'm the one that ends up hurt.  Normally, my reaction is the latter but tonight I look back on my actions and see that I have been holding on to hope for gradually more extended periods of time and that now I want nothing to do with it.  Sometimes it really sucks being a person who can see both sides of the coin and can never choose a side.  

So right now I am in a spot where I want love so bad that I don't even want to think about it because it depresses me.  And at the same time I am in the position to where certain relationships are not progressing any further and holding on to them is possibly hindering the formation of new ones.  

The decision I have decided to make is this: DO.  Just DO.  Anytime I start thinking about something of the past, replace it with the question: what are you about to DO? what are you DOing next? Its like the same thing that made me a workaholic back in the day (which I actually love because of the freedom I have within my own bounds, if that makes any sense).  Its the form of grieving where I stay so busy with the task at hand that I forget everything that is going wrong around me.  Freedom comes in doing, and the only place for the past is this journal.  

So for my mission to DO, I am planning to start volunteering at CAMP (since I have to do 20 hours for a school assignment, its got me interested again..I miss that place) either separately or with the church.  I will also continue volunteering at the St. Francis' Table Soup Kitchen in Atlanta, and I want to either 1) start singing for church or 2) try to pick up a simple job, hopefully a little less stressful than the vet..but I could always go back there.  I just want to fill my schedule as much as possible so that I don't have to think about the one thing in my life that is lacking, that one thing that I have wanted more than anything material.  Now, I shall DO something and go upload a bunch more recipes!  Self improvement is the key!  No longer looking in all the wrong places, rather looking within myself!