narcissism

So in leu of my previous post about getting out and doing stuff, I attended a book club meet about The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in a World of Entitlement even though I hadn't bought the book yet, and am so glad I did!! We had a really productive discussion! I didn't know that you can hire paparazzi! Dang! While there were many good points brought up about Narcissism, the meet actually made me realize that the concentration of power and wealth in the very small group of elite is SO unnecessary and avoidable.  We were like, you only need so many cars and jets and crap.  So just think how much better everyone in our world could be if we did away with the unnecessary things in our lives.  While the rich have obvious frivolities, I have just as many in my more humble life than the top CEO of a corporation.  There are organizations with whom I could be better spending my money, there are places that I could be better spending my energy, and there are items in my possession that could be more useful to someone of less fortune than I.

So why do we horde all these things? Why do we not use only what we need and give away the rest? Because we think we're special.  We think because we've worked for it that it is our entitlement.  But I am wanting entitlement less and less now.  I want enough to keep me 'comfortable' in my same social arenas (like nice clothes, cell phone, etc) but even that is more than what I need.  So I think the best thing as a individual to do is to downsize as much as I can without alienating myself from others I need to network with.  Just cut back on the competition and bit and replace it with complacency for the material.

DO.

Today in mass, Fr. Marty started talking about confession and the way he was talking about it made it seem so nonchalant and normal (which, for devout Catholics it really is).  But I never really saw a use for it until now (maybe, still deciding).  In my Human Services class, we have been talking about routes for people to get help and how many people decide to go to their church.  Then I start thinking about how churches are pretty much therapy clinics, with the priest being the psychologist, the various groups being your outside support, and your reconciliations (what the priest tells you to do to get back on track, prayers and such) are your self-improvement projects.  Then I start thinking I want to go to confession and get involved with church because it is pretty much therapy for free.  And I wonder, these issues that are about to bust out of me because I want to talk about them with someone so bad..is the church/community the right place to explore ways of handling them? That's what they are there for right?

So I will give an overview of some of my issues: I was that little girl raised on Disney movies  (Princess ones, in particular) so I have been raised with this view that there is someone perfect out there for you, and when its right, you'll know and all the classic cliches on love.  Well I am giving it up now.  I focus so much on how I am doing in 'that department' and all it does is make me more pissed.  Just the fact that I feel so passionately about it to write it here ticks me off.  But what is there to do about it? I can't just ignore any inkling of love anyone shows me because I love loving people too much, but at times I just want to spare myself the pain and shut myself away so I don't have to deal with the more unfortunate events with romance.  And then there is that part of me that fuels this blog, that wants to share every single little detail with someone just to see a reaction, just to have someone hear or notice or (God forbid)  care.  But then I go right back to the beginning and decide to save myself the pain and keep to myself.  

And then there are the dichotomies.  While any set of interactions with an individual will have ups and downs, do I regret having that interaction because of the downs? Or do I cherish it instead because of the ups? Essentially, do I hold on to hoping for someone to follow through, or do I say goodbye and move on before I'm the one that ends up hurt.  Normally, my reaction is the latter but tonight I look back on my actions and see that I have been holding on to hope for gradually more extended periods of time and that now I want nothing to do with it.  Sometimes it really sucks being a person who can see both sides of the coin and can never choose a side.  

So right now I am in a spot where I want love so bad that I don't even want to think about it because it depresses me.  And at the same time I am in the position to where certain relationships are not progressing any further and holding on to them is possibly hindering the formation of new ones.  

The decision I have decided to make is this: DO.  Just DO.  Anytime I start thinking about something of the past, replace it with the question: what are you about to DO? what are you DOing next? Its like the same thing that made me a workaholic back in the day (which I actually love because of the freedom I have within my own bounds, if that makes any sense).  Its the form of grieving where I stay so busy with the task at hand that I forget everything that is going wrong around me.  Freedom comes in doing, and the only place for the past is this journal.  

So for my mission to DO, I am planning to start volunteering at CAMP (since I have to do 20 hours for a school assignment, its got me interested again..I miss that place) either separately or with the church.  I will also continue volunteering at the St. Francis' Table Soup Kitchen in Atlanta, and I want to either 1) start singing for church or 2) try to pick up a simple job, hopefully a little less stressful than the vet..but I could always go back there.  I just want to fill my schedule as much as possible so that I don't have to think about the one thing in my life that is lacking, that one thing that I have wanted more than anything material.  Now, I shall DO something and go upload a bunch more recipes!  Self improvement is the key!  No longer looking in all the wrong places, rather looking within myself!

A Day with the Vampires }:F

Yesterday was awesome, met the cast of Vampire Diaries..they were amazing! Basically got up there, chatted with the police guarding the door a bit, went in and they cut our 'magic' wristbands that guaranteed we got to see them (sad..wish I could have kept it), then went to stand in a mini-line in the very back corner of the hot topic store where they were set up (it was SO close and intimate! so surprising!) and right before seeing them..me and Lyss caught their eyes from behind the people they were talking to at that moment, so we felt kinda special...then they put our poster down on the table and starting working us down the line of them:


First was Katerina Graham (Bonnie) and she shook my hand and laughed with me at how much fun she must have been having..


Then there was Steven McQueen (Jeremy) who was a LOOOTTT better looking in real life than even on screen, something made him really cute up close..


Then there was Michael Trevino (Tyler) who we kinda skipped over to tell Paul Wesley (Stefan) that we have been following him since Smallville (..i think we made Trevino nervous cuz he asked my sis a few times how she was doing then totally turned red as when I walked by a little too fast!)


Anyway, then we get to Stefan and he's like, 'ohhh wow...smallville..that's a long time ago! Lex's brother ___ Luthor, I really liked that character, he was one of my favorites actually' and then I tell him how that character made me think he was going to be more of the villian in Vampire Diaries, and how I thought his character would be a little more intense and he was like 'intense? i can be intense. you want me to be intense?' And then I noticed that he had the teeth in!!! and I said 'oh my gosh, you have the teeth in!' while he was like 'yeah, ill be intense, i will bite you, i can bite you to be intense' lol!! Then I was like 'ooh, I'm kinda starting to get scared now' and kept going cuz he got really into it..wow.  And i was staring at his teeth the whole time because he was showing them off and they looked so real!!! Awesome.


Then there was Candice Accola (Catherine) who laughed with me and Stefan about the biting, and she was really sweet talking with my sister, but at this point I was getting kinda awkward so we just went through the 'hey, how you doing's' and smiled a lot..


Then there was Nina Dobrev (Elena) who struck me as really spunky and tomboyish :) she was like 'hey, how ya doin?' kinda like the Italians say it, but she was really sweet, very smiley while I just stared :P


THEN, there was Ian Somerhalder (Damon)!!!!! I have been following this kid since he played Adam Knight on Smallville, and Lyss beats me to telling him that first and he's like 'wow, Smallville was a while ago' to her, then I come in and instead of repeating everything say 'Smallville right?' and he's like 'yeaah' and holds up his fist to fist bump me!! It took me a second, but I was thinking 'he is waiting to fist bump you..oh. my. gawd.' and so its like slow mo when I'm bringing my hand up to fist bump him, but it was great :) then I continue.. 'when you played Adam...Adam something..' and he's like 'Adam...Adam Knight..yeah, poor guy, he got killed off right away...' and then I'm moving down the line and stop and turn back really fast and am like 'wait, you, are you gonna be in this last season of Lost?' and he's like 'well yes, yes I am' OMG!!!!!! I was like 'YEEESS!!! thank you!'


Because my goal of the day was to hear it out of his mouth, I kinda just smiled and looked at the last three characters Sara Canning (Jenna), Matthew Davis (Aleric), and Zach Roerig (Matt)...but in all fairness I didn't even know they would be there, so unfortunately I had NO idea what to say..but I was floating WAYYY up on cloud 9 by then, so.. :)


And that was it! I wandered out of the store aimlessly and not completely about my wits :P then i find Lyss and we talk to the camera man for the CW and tell him about the experience and such, then we wander around the mall a bit before going to the concert/QA session they hold in the main area of the mall..

And if that wasn't enough vampires for one day, me and Lyss go see daybreakers and then I start thinking about WHY exactly vampires have hung around so long as a popular myth and when I remember my philosophical thoughts on that, I'll post.  For now....OH MY GAWD!!!!! Fin.

"I love weddings! Drinks all around!" - the great philosopher Cap'n Jack

It was kinda sad but in my Human Services class today we were talking to our teacher about her marriage that is soon to take place in about a year or so.  She said she found it funny how her husband is the one who wants the whole to-do with the wedding and all and how she just wants to be married with him and maybe a few family members.

Then a good few of the girls in the rest of the class (all girls except 3 guys) stated that they want the same..to rather elope somewhere with just the guy and to keep family out of it.  I silently was screaming in my head "yes yes yes!!! I don't want a wedding because its just all expensive show for the families, when really they should have no say in your marriage at all" (only the shorter version of that, haha).


I wonder if that has anything to do with female independence or with trying not to get our hopes up for something that has been portrayed as so unattainable, since we are taught that if it isn't perfect, then it isn't worth it.  Just some thoughts..

Vividity

Most of the time we feel our lives are mundane and we are stuck in the same routine obligations day in and day out..so we find ways to change it up.  We do things to keep from being blinding by the haze of our humdrum.  This has not been so much the case for me lately.  


I am seeing things very vividly now, where nothing is any shade of gray.  It is all either blindingly bright or so completely void.  Little joyous events (probably mundane to some) shatter through the misguided blindness like starting a fuse in the middle of the darkest night.  


There were a few of these moments this week, where all that was around me fell away while my focus was completely absorbed by some moment that genuinely made me happy.  The moment right before this fascination, I was gently drifting in a huge void, not sure which way to turn or how much force to exert or in which direction to exert it.  And then it was like I was being sucked so clearly into an entirely different dimension where everything already had a place and purpose and everything was already planned out.  A world of wonder side by side with a world of worry, separated only by the division of attention.  


While I'm often times reluctant to return back to the drifting world I currently live in, I try to hold on to the specifics about those moments that make them so special and groundbreaking at a time when I do not even feel the ground beneath me. 

ready to launch! announcing....

Well alllrighty! I was thinking about how much I bake and cook and how I have to cut and paste all my recipes into a booklet because I refuse to have one of those horribly disheveled boxes that chew up all your beloved recipes and spit them back out in multiple pieces.  

So I have decided to document my recipes on the net! I am happy to announce the launching of other blog Project Mangia!  It will essentially be my online recipe book! I have essentially been using others' recipes and editing them to my liking..its sort of been my little ongoing experiment to find the best of every staple American dessert/food.  It all started with these sugar cookies of whose texture and taste I was ENTIRELY too picky.  But alas, I HAD to find the perfect recipe for them and wound up making my own version of many recipes combined.  

I can't wait to share this with everyone and hope you all have as much luck with these recipes as I have! 

don't tase me bro!

Lol.ever been tased??  Well, though I am no criminal, I can now say I have lol.  Not exactly one of my life aspirations, but I'm all for trying new things so I thought, what the heck (of course, after seeing that it didn't really hurt)? Turns out the thing is pretty much a scare tactic.  The zapping sound is really loud, but it wasn't painful at all.  It felt like someone poking you with a staple or something sharp.  It did leave a bit of a hot sensation on the skin after, but it didn't even leave a mark.  It was quite an interesting experience.  It would actually be a good self-defense mechanism to have, because unlike a gun or knife...if turned on you, it really wouldn't cripple you or kill you (I don't think).  But it would probably still do the job of getting the perp to back off.  An interesting consideration, especially with this criminal justice class I'm taking..maybe I'll bring it up in class Wednesday..

to party or not to party? that is the question.

Wow what a roller coaster.  To start with, a very sleepless week and then exhaustion from pushing myself to get everything done.  The party didn't happen, MUCH to my disappointment.  I even got up early to bake cookies and brownies and set up party platters and clean the house up.  Its too bad it didn't live up to the standard of the pool party I had in high school  :/ But at least I will look back fondly on that :) 

Unfortunately, now my 21st will no longer be about getting everyone together, but rather about getting ME together.  I plan on doing something that will enhance my life, without the possibility seeing so vividly how little it matters.  That 'something' will be addressed publicly at a later time.  It may or may not involve ink. ;P

And then there was the 'up'! Went to a birthday celebration at tech with manda and the guys.  They are so much fun!  Got to maintain some newly-forming friendships.  Also got to feel of some bit of use by bringing all the baked goods, waste not want not! Appreciation definitely helped :) 

Now I need to get some zzzzs cuz I am about to drop like a fly! Peace.  and I mean PEACE...like do unto your neighbor as you would like them to do unto you! Because you never know how much your actions may mean to someone at the time.  :/

small talk has perks!

Talk about fate! Or coincidence you prefer. I got to class early like always, to find the door locked and sat outside in with that awkward, heavy air when the person next to you may or may not be waiting for the same door to open to the same class.  So I break the silence and say to the girl next to me, "human services" as if other human services classes aren't offered in the same building (note to self: be more specific when verifying important details).  


But luckily we WERE in the same class, a class with about 10 girls and 2 boys..one of which entered the room singing "i'm your biggest fan I'll follow you..." haha creepy? maybe. hopefully just fun-lovin. 


So then I notice the girl has the economics books I had last semester, more importantly the books that are KSU specific and therefore not 're-sellable'..so before I can even mention this, she begins telling me her dilemma of just coming from the bookstore and being quite put-out with the prices.  


EUREKA! So we made a deal for her to buy my books and she immediately went to return hers! Man, am I thankful for small-talk at that moment! :) Funny how things work out!

boys boys boys? NO. books book books

Today was pretty academically unproductive compared to yesterday, but its all good because we have Monday off for MLKJr Day!!! I just remembered! Kinda weird we have a holiday a week into the semester, but that gives me more time to get my books in and my readings done, so whew!  I must admit it is quite scary sitting in the front of these discussion-type classes not having done the readings, but luckily I am getting along well with the teachers so far so this should be a good start.  


Started a research project yesterday..well, actually it was two assignments at once..one is to give a comprehensive and concise definition of a 'theory' and the other is to study Emile Durkheim, an old sociologist (yeah, that's all I know about him so far...hence the necessity for research :P ) Coincidentally I had perused through the library for the first time the day before and found the few reference books they have on sociology and was able to go straight to them! I think I have about 7 sources now for the 'theory' assignment so now all I have to do is put it together.  


I also took a trip to the South Cobb Regional Library and ordered the book for pleasure-reading I have been looking forward to...Green by Ted DekKer..the last and prequel book to The Circle Series.  However, its already been checked out :( Waiting for that to get in along with one sociology book..Really, I get frustrated with the library...they barely had any books on sociology and none on Durkheim..I wonder how to go about getting more books into the libraries? Probably means more taxes :/  I also checked out Villete by Charlotte Bronte (I have never heard of it before, but its supposed to be Jane Eyre -ish so I should enjoy it), Digital Fortress by Dan Brown, and Emma by Jane Austen.  I was getting a few pages into Tale of Two Cities by Dickens, but I think I'll save that one for later. 


Went to Town Center mall and stopped at a secret location! I don't want to broadcast it until closer to time, but I am quite looking forward to an event in the near future.  I will blog ALL about it when the time is right.  I picked up some 'boot warmers' too :) So I can wear my boots without looking like a vamp :)  They rang up at a whopping $5.26!! LOVE getting savings!


So enough business...I'm getting excited for the Wii Partii!! I hope to introduce some of my faithful friends to my newer ones!  And to figure out when everyone has breaks and how classes are going and such.  And I can't pass up an excuse to play hostess.  :) So me and mom went and bought a bunch of Cokes and Sprites and raided the clearance Christmas chocolates sections..on top of the Christmas chocolates we already have leftover, lol..and I can't wait to bake again! Its been too long now..about a month??  TOO long :) Then that night there is a possibility of a 21st birthday celebration! I LOOVEE those! So crossing my fingers for that..then hopefully I can take the sis to go see Avatar Sunday with our Regal gift cards!! 


Anyway, peace luvs!

intimacy or independence?

My Social Theory teacher had us read this article about the prevalence of hooking up and it says how many more young people are 'hooking up' (whatever you define that to be) now that marriage ages are higher than they used to be.  Its kinda funny, that the more focused on ourselves and our goals/aspirations we become, the less intimacy we want from other people..but are those goals really for our own satisfaction or for others'? I like to think that I am focused on my school and career so that later in life (with or without a significant other) I am happy with my living situations.  In a way, I like seeing that people are starting to treat romantic relations as icing on the cake, but that time of unrest and detachment is kind of a bittersweet form of independence.  Is the temporary emotional attachment worth it in the long run? ..what do you think??

stem-cell 'glue'

80% success rate of mixing patient's own stem cells with a collagen gel and injecting it into the wounded area! Wow. 
http://news.yahoo.com/video/science-15749654/17583205
This is amazing! Its your own stem cells..not an embryo's! This makes me think twice before saying anything negative against "stem cell research" and rather to specify that there is a GREAT difference between that and "embryonice stem cell research".  I wonder how that will go about with legislation..

switchfoot on fallon

Switchfoot will be performing on Late

Night with Jimmy Fallon on Wednesday January 20th.  Tune into your local

NBC channel at 12:35 / 11:35 cst.  For more information on the show,

please visit http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/

hello new year..the game plan

Hey everyone! I went ahead and posted all my old poems and those fun get-to-know-you-better-but-pain-in-the-butt-to-do chain letters from FB onto here.  I will probably start using this more as a close to daily journal along with another outlet for my poetry.  


So I'm starting off the new year with some creativity! Lets bring in some colors, put together some eloquent phrases, and act like the confident intelligent person that I was BEFORE melting away with that bag of Christmas chocolates.


Unfortunately, now that I'm pretty fried from setting this bugger up, I won't be able to construct an entire poem, but I can talk a bit about the year so far. 


Okay, not gonna lie, last year was pretty bad.  I transferred up to KSU from UGA to get out of those horrible science classes and save money and did just that...along with switching to be a sociology major! Excitement!!! I am so much happier now with these classes! I am realizing that all throughout my life (so far) I have thought in such a way as to analyze people and how they behave.  My classes do just that, and help me understand exactly why! Its so exciting to be in courses that I can apply to daily life and which I can use to better myself in the social arena.  Because that's definitely where it counts career-wise!


So the plan is to get HOPE back, get involved outside the classroom again (back at the vet, or out with a small job or internship) and to get that GPA back to where it belongs.  Then to start looking at possibilities to jump into a good career or to stay with school for some sort of masters.  Hoping all goes well and enjoying the classes and friends in the meantime!

no hands to unwind / digital beacons

I wake up to glowing numbers, then wake to them again
Solely horizontal and vertical lines, digital numbers of zen
Colon marks the center, circles continuous yet maddeningly resolute
What is to come the next time I stir and why is it all moot

I shouldn't look but can't resist, green lights in pitch black dark
Hold on to them like old night-lights, their luminescence so stark
Familiarity of childhood when the light touches the room
So subtle yet so profound I forget all pending doom

Electrical beacons of hope when minds are not quite right
Addictions in a way but burning desire to stay bright
Anticipate the next numbers, keep from missing them pass by
Wait for the chronological change, cling to order I do try

Now blinking 3 with little time to go, what's next I still must know
I hold my gaze to following days, watch the numbers grow
To revert back to where they were 24 hours ago
Evidence of past and what's been done, lived life of which to show

:P so for some reason I find this one kinda humorous, but maybe I'm just delirious..went to bed at 2 and didn't get virtually any sleep and just kept looking at the digital clock I should have covered, but too tired to get up and cover it, so I just let it keep me tired by glancing at it all night..silly me ;D enjoy my stupid poem about a clock, haha

subside

ripped apart by dichotomies
tug of war fueled by insecurity

in a state of purgatory without a guide
ignorance grows out of pride

actions stun, run, and hide
dull enough to blind the eye

frayed ropes burn the hands
that reach for someone to withstand
these broken dreams, this endless strand
these frights that make our love so bland

the loss of faith to see the truth
that lies just underneath your couth

the childish games that bring you joy
disable, hurt, and destroy
the innocence that once resided
within but quickly subsided

with age comes fear of the unknown
already shown when one has grown

so shed the fret that haunts your life
for with your will there is no strife 

drones of currents

Weaving currents, in and out
Silent screaming, hear no shout
Empty faces, features void
Meaningless purposes destroyed

Don't look close to find the fear
Inevitably leading to the tear
Passerby swift with haste
Overlook the common waste

Steady beat far away
On shore manages not to stay
Anchor in, pull the weight
Carried to the golden gate

Peering in, in search of change
Eyesight still at closer range
Rub out blurs that block and haze
Begin to clearer see the maze

A rat with cheese to hurriedly seek
Drone numbly on with hunger weak
Sustain the drive to carry on
Though paths ahead be vague and long

Movements mechanical steps of feet
True faces yet to see or meet
But known existence lingers before
The faith to seek that something more

So, I'm kinda feeling washed up in the current..fearful to hope beyond the immediate, yet unable to maintain the numb void of the present..stuck in a routine with no ends in sight and not even distracting hills to climb or descend on this ever long and flat continuum..just same followed by more same followed by repetition of the same. The aching need of guidance, of some direction or purpose that will enhance the overall goals..something to distract me with any form of excitement rather than just numbly passing the time. Goals are set, but so far off that everything looks the same from this distance. Make the distance shorter by wrinkling the time with calls back to the living. Wake up calls to remind one of their existence, to allow one to truly live again if only for a short while. Then back to the sameness..

Oh, and if anyone knows anything about publishing a poetry book please let me know..I am really starting to consider it now..it might make for some nice pocket-change at the least :P

dreams to wake

ticking hands and tapping feet
often broken, never beat
dreams delay the spinning world
caricatures stale and old

entranced reflection vivid feels
heart throbs, mind reels
incomprehensible to absorb
as sight falling into a luminescent orb

i see the me that sees what's dear
grasps in vain to bring them near
warp the plot to close the gap
see the bars of this trap snap
rewritten plot through will of mind
though REM keeps true eyes blind

paralysis of daily drone
refusal to become a clone
sever strings of puppeteers
music played to opened ears

lay to rest the new insight
to start the day with mind bright

So this one took a little while to write cuz the creative flow just wasn't happening/kept getting interrupted, so I'll probably revise it a lot at some other time..but it came after I had a dream so vivid that it felt more real than reality, and of course I didn't want to let it go..but when I finally managed to bring myself out of that mystified stupor, the ghosts of that dream began to enhance my dull reality of the next day by bringing me back the appreciation of things just past the visual surface...

a disquiet follows my soul / a silence pierces the dark

Okay, so Chris gave me a challenge to write a poem of my interpretation of "a disquiet follows my soul" and I was apparently in a content state of mind so I ended up giving it a happy ending, lol..so to be true to the phrase, I broke it up into two poems..the first with the darker theme and the second with the happy ending :) enjoy!

a disquiet follows my soul:

weightless footsteps trace an invisible path
a lone tainted figure amongst limbs of wood
winged branches embrace the unsteady

beginnings and endings memorably absent
identical solidarity of creature and creation
indistinguishable surroundings stir peaceful tranquility

presences sensed but never exposed
sway and linger just out of reach
physical contact a thing of the past


a silence pierces the dark:

weights pushed back out of sight but ever-heavy
deeper indentions scar the ground
burdensome but steadfast

fresh spark of flesh sensing familiarity
recall rotted pains unearthed by fresh roots
anchored in place afraid to grow

vines intertwine to crush old weeds
poisons choked to reveal new leaves
each a token of love that we show

shatter my lens

I didn't know how to "poetize" this, so it stands as is :) just poetic language I guess..(the explanation is at the end)...

Lately I am my own worst enemy and my own best friend. I see an artificial happiness right within reach and I push it away only to make myself disappointed, yet proud to not have settled. My pride powers me. I know what I want and will not bend, as I have in the past. My stubbornness comforts me. I am happy to keep myself happy.

I see what's on the other side and trick myself into thinking its better and that the grass is greener. But when the wool is lifted from my eyes, the vividness of the green on my side is then enhanced. Then I am content with being in proximity to a happiness, but keeping it just far enough away. Far enough so it will only look nice at a distance and won't lose its lustre in closer view. Things (and people) lose their quality when seen very closely, and seeing things closely is necessary to understand them. Understanding can spoil the seemingly-wonderful.

But something will resist being spoiled. Something will have grown to embrace goodness within every fibre, and will not fade and wither under the lens of understanding. And that something will be found the day the lens is shattered and everything returns to its original beauty.

That something will be undoubted. i will not have to change or lift my lens of understanding because it will not be required. That something will be unshakable and unbreakable and will flip my understanding upside down without my having to do so myself. It will come and change every former form of vision and pave way for new ones without hesitance. It will be certain and evoke certainty. It will be stronger than me.

And if you didn't catch it..something is a he. The he I am waiting for. The he that will be the only one who can offer anything more than I can obtain myself. The he that will find me and tell me that it is only he who will suffice. 

So this came from the fact that I have been trying to put an end to my loneliness (romantically, obviously), but have just realized that I like my loneliness better than I like changing to accommodate someone that isn't life-changing (or even close). I was accommodating before in hopes of increasing the chances of finding someone willing to be stronger than me. But as soon as weakness was adopted, weakness was found. So I'm reverting back to my stronger self, slimming down the odds, and enjoying doing so! So step up if you want a go, cuz I refuse to step down. And I say all this with love :)

:chain: more random stuff

Hello, my name is: Brenna

But you can call me: any similar pronunciation of Brenna, lol. I'll answer to it :)

Never in my life will I: stop singing

High school: ghetto

When I'm nervous: you will know

The last song I listened to was: Nature Boy from Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

If I were to get married right now my best man/maid would be: Lets focus on dating first, shall we? lol

My hair: is recently doing what I want it to

When I was 5: I was really into GPB TV

Last Christmas: was a relief..no class

This Christmas: will be another relief

I should: reconsider a lot of things

When I look down I see: the history book I should be reading

The happiest recent event is/was: non-existent, but this past weekend with the fam and the dog was nice

If I were a character on 'Friends' I'd be: Rachel is her name I think..Jennifer Aniston's character lol

By this time next year: I pray I'll be in a better spot in life

I have a hard time understanding: what is so difficult about being nice to others?

Take my advice: BE NICE! Always. even if you're down

I want to buy: more books

If you visited the place I was born: I'd tell you to go the other way..hospitals aren't pleasant ;)

I plan to: get outta this slump if it kills me

If you spent the night at my house: you'd have to put up with a 1 year old Jack Russel and would therefore probably leave :P

The world could do without: hurtful actions and words

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: wtf?

Most recent thing I've bought myself: printer cartridge and paper

Most recent thing someone else bought me: M&Ms and a plant

My middle name is: Amy

In the morning I: woke up and began the worst day ever

The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are: anteaters so they could eat flying ants :)

Last night I: tried to go to sleep in vain, as is the usual lately

If i was an animal i would be: a poisonous fish so I could swim and not be eaten

A better name for me would be: people say I look like a Heather

Tomorrow I am: hoping will be better

Tonight: maybe going to bed at a decent time will pay off this time..unlikely

:chain: Brennaology

Tag- You're it!!! Let others know a little more about yourself by re-posting and tagging your friends. Re post note as your name "ology"

1) What is your salad dressing of choice? 
Balsamic Vinaigrette

2) What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Gumbeaux

3) What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it? 
soup and chocolate and I have them every day :)

4) What are your pizza toppings of choice?
cheese! and olives

5) What do you like to put on your toast?
i don't really eat toast anymore

6) How many televisions are in your house?
3

7) What color cell phone do you have?
black and lime green..my favorite so far

8) Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right handed although playing piano does help the left a bit

9) Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
no..

10) What is the last heavy item you lifted?
my luggage

11) Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
nope, never even broke a bone

12) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
yes, but I'm not sure why it would matter anyway

13) If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Veronica, lol

14) Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
to be honest, I would probably drink one for $5..I love hotsauce!

15) How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
maybe like 5

16) What’s your goal for the year?
to bring my GPA up

17) Last person you talked to?
Megan

18) Last person you hugged?
my parents

19) Favorite Season? 
winter, I have really grown to like the cold

20) Favorite Holiday?
Halloween, hands down! and then Mardi Gras..if that's a holiday :)

21. Favorite day of the week?
Friday of course!

22) Favorite Month?
October, probably because of Halloween

23) First place you went this morning? 
to class

24) What's the last movie you saw? 
Transporter 3, it was so good!! (actually Burn After Reading, but I stopped watching after about the first 10 minutes)

25) Do you smile often? 
Not anymore

26) Do you always answer your phone? 
Rarely

27) It's four in the morning and you get a text message or phone call, who is it? 
Guys who are drunk and wants to be emo

28) If you could change your eye color what would it be? 
Turqouise..blue-green of some sort

29) What flavor drink do you get at Sonic? 
I don't know..its been so long since I've gone..I guess the limeade something-or-other

30) Have you ever had a pet fish? 
PLENTY! My longest living is Brutus..and I don't know exactly what type of Cichlid she is..because we didn't even know she was a girl! lol but she's pink

31) Favorite Christmas song? 
Carol of the Bells - David Foster

32) What's on your wish list for your birthday?
DVDs or books or money to buy either

33) Can you do push ups? 
Heck yes, I do 15 every day

34) Can you do a chin up? 
Yeah, like once in middle school

35) Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Nervous unless something really good is going to happen

36) Do you have any saved texts? 
Yeah, but I have no idea what they are

37) Ever been in a car wreck? 
nope, unless you consider my little accident last semester, but no other cars were involved

38) Do you have an accent?
When I come back from New Orleans

39) What is the last song to make you cry? 
plenty makes me cry, but not songs or movies lately

40) Plans tonight? 
softball practice and homework

41. Ever felt like you hit rock bottom? 
yeah, for like the past 3 years

42) Name 3 things you bought yesterday? 
mascara, hand soap, seasoning salt

43) Have you ever been given roses? 
yeah I guess

44) Current hate right now? 
Loneliness

45) Met someone who changed your life? 
nope, still waiting impatiently

46) How did you spend this past New Year? 
over a toilet with a stomach virus..and then back home to three jack russels and family

47) What song represents you? 
WHOA! Its playing right now on my mac!!! Underwater by Switchfoot, weird..

48) Name three people who might complete this? 
Monica, Chelsea, Renicia

49) What were you doing 12 AM last night? 
tossing and turning and trying to sleep

50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? 
FOOD!

urban dictionary game

Rules:
Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your answers to the following questions.
Post the first definition it gives you.
Tag 4 people.

1) Your name- Brenna
One who drinks and dances in cages, HAHAHA!

ex: dude, lets go to the club, therell be lots of brennas

-OR-

One who looks forward to the future, shy and sensitive, one who has a meaning in life, or does something to make mad others, one who doesn't like to be put under pressure, at times loves to be in the limelight, one who people envy, protective of the ones she cares about.

i like that one better :)

2) Your age-20
Bag of Weed, costs $20.00 dollars and is enough to make 4 fat joints.


3) One of your friends- Chelsea
The most AMAZING people you will ever find are Chelseas.
chicken flavored&lemon scented. DELICIOUSLY good looking, HAHAHA!

ex: girl: Damn, i wish i was a Chelsea.
boy: *looks her up&down* yeah, me too. : 

4) what should you be doing- cycling
Riding a bicycle

5) favorite color- Turquoise
A blend of blue and green, In holistic medicine, the color turquoise purportedly has a calming effect on patients, and is particularly used to treat patients prone to panic attacks or mania. To a lesser degree, mainstream psychiatric hospitals also use turquoise and other light shades of blue and green to calm patients by painting the walls in these colors. Turquoise is perceived by most people as the coldest of all colorscitation needed.

6) Birthplace- Austell
best town in geogia!
small town that is like...totally awesome...
we have a lot of old shops downtown...
we got six flags too!
right outside atlanta...
yeah...thats it...
cept that its fye!

ex: girl-you live in austell?
boy-yea
girl-omg...thats like awesome!
boy-yea.... i know! 

haha really??

7) what month were you born in? - February
February is the best month of the year. Its still nice and cold and snowy, but you know that spring is just around the corner if you're tired of all the bad weather. February is also the most unique month. 28 days long,(unless its every four years on a 'leap' year)
Valentines day is also in February. (the fourteenth)It's a fun holiday named after St. Valentine, and it's for cute happy couples. Many single or unhappy peope celebrate the anti Valentines day, ie. Singles awareness day.

People born in February are without a doubt the Cutest, Smartest, and Funniest set of people. If you are born after the 20th, you are also a PICES. This is the best Zodiac sign.

8) one of your nicknames- Bam
Scottish colloquial. Means Below Average Mentality. hahaha

prisms of will

Ordinary doors fly by, viably disenchanting
Hold lead lids up to make room for stained glass
Mosaics of brilliance to transform
The bright into rainbows of radiance

Vivid wills of the bigger being
Lasting sustenance enhances the steady beat
To withstand moments that tick by
Each one further from the last

Extend distance from faded tapestries
With threads of pain and dyes of stains
Unravel the picture and paint a new scene
With brushes of intention and waters of wisdom


Bliss blindness to the bland
Believe what is wanted into being
A tailored scene of goals
To keep thirsty eyes forward facing

Yay, so I was really hoping the entire break would not pass by without a bit of creativity at some point and I am glad it finally came!! although at the last possible moment :| So here is what I've got..and it kinda goes along with my status. My thoughts are about basically leaving behind decent (but hum-drum) alternatives to focus on the beauty of what is possible. Enjoy!

:chain: top threes

Three things to share

Three names I go by:
1. Brenna
2. Bren
3. Bammo

Three Jobs I have had in my life
1. Hobby Lobby fabric dept
2. Matria Healthcare telemarketer or something..
3. Vet tech/assistant at Bullards

Three Places I have lived
1. Mableton, GA
2. Mableton, GA
3. Mableton, GA

Three Favorite drinks
1. hot tea
2. hot chocolate
3. hot coffee :P

Three TV Shows that I watch
1. LOST!
2. Desperate Housewives
3. Pushing Daisies before they canceled it :(

Three places I have been
1. New Orleans, LA
2. WDW in FLA
3. St. Louis, when I was little

THREE PETS THAT YOU HAVE OWNED
1. Bernie and Mister (they are brothers, so they go together)
2. Autumn
3. Rosie

THREE THINGS I AM REALLY SCARED OF
1. screaming and not being heard
2. dying an old maid
3. any type of conflict

THREE FAVORITE TEAMS TO WATCH
1. UGA dawgs of course
2. any other football
3. and baseball when there's nothing else on TV

THREE FAVORITE ANIMALS
1. jack russels
2. freshwater fish
3. cats I guess

THREE FAVORITE ACTRESSES
1. Natalie Portman
2. Helena Bonham Carter
3. Kiera Knightley

THREE FAVORITE ACTORS
1. Johnny Depp
2. Hugh Jackman
3. James Franco

THREE FAVORITE THINGS TO DO
1. sing
2. play piano
3. watch movies

Three songs you love:
1. Underwater - Switchfoot
2. Starry Eyed Surprise - Paul Oakenfold ft. Shifty Shell shock
3. House of Cards - Madina Lake.

Three books you would read more than once:
1. 1984 by George Orwell
2. Dracula by Bram Stoker
3. Twilight books

People that e-mail me regularly
1. Alyssa
2. Mom
3. the GA aquarium, lol

Three movies you love:
1. V for Vendetta
2. all Pirates movies
3. Sweeney Todd

Three of my favorite foods
1. Chicken Soup
2. chocolate
3. cereal

Three friends I think will respond
1. dunno
2. but if you do
3. it'll make me smile :)

Three Things I am looking forward to
1. next semester..believe it or not!
2. summer!!
3. seeing my pupster again

Three places I would like to travel to
1. Australia
2. Venice
3. Seattle

increments of blue

Smile mistaken naiveté
Behind glass walls truth to stay
Replication day by day
No longer want this way

Expect a cruel disguise
Through duplicated eyes
Singe from past regret
Reminded to forget

Intention to reverse
Weigh options of the worse
Aching skin of stone
Blue hearts of the lone

Begin to paint them red
To alter style of stead
Extend to hearts more blue
Spared increments of you

Oh, and if I tag you..please don't feel obligated to comment..I just like knowing that someone else reads them or can derive something of their own from them :)

so I was inspired by our studying the whole genre of blues in class..so I guess that's the theme that shines through h ere.. 

sunken standards

Elevate these sunken standards
Remove the rot of seeping shards
That threaten bruises of infections
Mentalities of shallow factions

Where confidence is bitter lost
Integrity is the inherent cost
Impossible kindness withheld before
Not vainly awaited anymore

His inability to pretend or care
Shall never again find me there
Niceties before never heard or told
Trade silver linings of gray for gold

To hope for change is to abandon
The ignorant influences of prison
Now choose only noble decency
And those endowed with gentility

so the whole gist of this is learning to keep my standards high following past experiences from settling low. and to any male readers of this..please don't assume this is about you, because I guarantee that he won't be reading it anyway..(appropriately)..

:chain: can you prove the BBC wrong? I DID!

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. Can you prove them wrong?

Instructions:
1) Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read.
2) Put a % after those you've read a portion of.
3) Add a '+' to the ones you LOVE.
4) Star (*) those you plan on reading.
5) Tally your total read and put it in the title.

First of all I want to * all of them...
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen (x+)
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien (x+)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (x+++++++++)
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling (x+)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee ( )
6 The Bible (%)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte (x+)
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell (x+++++++)
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman ( )
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens ( )
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott ( )
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy ( )
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller ( )
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (%)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier ( )
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (x+)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk ( )
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger ( )
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger ( )
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot ( )
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell ( )
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald (x)
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens ( )
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy ( )
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams ( )
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh ( )
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky ( )
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck ( )
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll ( )
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame ( )
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy ( )
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens ( )
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis ( )
34 Emma - Jane Austen ( )
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen (x+)
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis ( )
37. Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini ( )
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres ( )
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden ( )
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne ( )
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell (x+++++)
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (x+)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez ( )
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving ( )
45 The Woman in White - ( )
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery ( )
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy ( )
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood ( )
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding ( )
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan ( )
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel ( )
52 Dune - Frank Herbert ( )
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons ( )
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen (x+)
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth ( )
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon ( )
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (%)
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley (x)
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon ( )
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez ( )
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck ( )
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov ( )
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt ( )
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold (x+)
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas (x+)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac ( )
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy ( )
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding ( )
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie ( )
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville ( )
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens (x)
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker (x+++++++++)
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett ( )
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson ( )
75 Ulysses - James Joyce ( )
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath ( )
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome ( )
78 Germinal - Emile Zola ( )
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray ( )
80 Possession - AS Byatt ( )
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens ( )
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell ( )
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker ( )
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro ( )
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert ( )
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry ( )
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White ( )
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom ( )
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle ( )
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton ( )
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad ( )
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery ( )
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks ( )
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams ( )
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Toole ()
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas (%)
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare (x)
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl (x+++++)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo (x+++)

past the edges

I wish to show you the outside of the box
So you can be able to shatter the locks
That bar your mind from the leaps
That take us where the world keeps

The knowledge which we all can own
Regardless of where we've been or flown
Free yourself of what you're told
That causes you to early be old

Take then what helps you retain youth
Those things filled with hope and truth
The open soul is the one to grow
Outside of what we think we know

So while I was watching the Oscars..I was also doing this :)

future forms / ribbons

Clear black ink on ivory tree
Hoping you can soon see
Silently waiting for the light
When that little light bulb finally becomes bright

Murky thought in grey matter
Caught up in notions of the latter
Swimming between solid barriers
Unable to make it to their carriers

Luminous voice with precise words
With carefully chosen edges and curves
Voiced when necessity makes a debut
In hopes that it will finally get through

To the harshness that stubbornly shells your good
However infrequently be your mood
Though you may not want or care to know
These thoughts to you I wish to show

These contradictions that splinter seams
And stir up thoughts restricted to dreams
Hates and loves meant to stay within
And hopes that reality will bring good to win

But these jagged colors will stay concealed
Left to future keys to be revealed
Red ribbons to be sliced with blades
And to the just all debts be repaid

I think this one is pretty similar to the other one, but maybe this one can someday be a song ?? :)

undeserved compassion - yay, this one has a title!

:::for anyone who finds themselves in the hamster-wheel cycle of exercising compassion while enduring the crappy.. :)

Transparency of the soul always unnoticed
Innermost fibers unveiled after supposedly visible

Actions activated by the green-eyed monsters within
Hurt exerted on the tolerant
Without realization

The rigidity of foundations never yielding
Steel skins worn when internally disarmed

Molds molded through incessant love and giving
Pity taken on the inconsiderate
With reluctance

Inexplicable words and deeds melt hopes of decency
Yet the loyalist's morals are empowered and withstand 

:chain: what you need is...

Go to Google and type in your first name + needs. For example: Bob needs. Write the first ten (or more) things you find.I typed mine in the order they came on the screen.

Brenna needs her own network
Brenna needs to fart!
Brenna needs help..
Brenna needs to return to a normal life
Brenna needs to make a lil love, do a little dance and get down asap, hahaha
Brenna needs a mature family with no small children
Brenna needs to get over herself
Brenna needs to feel absolutely confident
Brenna needs numbers
Brenna needs ideas and articles
Brenna needs candy and presents

HAHA, pretty much sums it up!! lol..

:chain: name game

1. YOUR REAL NAME:
Brenna Amy McCune

2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
Marie Edmund

3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
Frank John

4.STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name)
mccbr (ha, nonsense)

5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
Turquoise Panther

6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
Amy Mableton

7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Burgundy Tea

8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Brne (what?!? mine are stupid)

9.STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Fugde Brownie Sugar (how in the world is this a street name?!?)

10. PORN NAME: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on)
Autumn Glenn

11.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Rose

12. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy
Treselle Reeses (hahaha)

at it again..

anxious agonies inflame angry angst
choose to falsely forget their existence
to uphold bluffs, continue acts, maintain masks

past blindness molds future unconsciousness
dead ends structure movements forward
shape steps, mobilize strings

transparent goals recast in softer stone
detection of the inevitable coming
restrictions then change 

okay, I feel these are pretty cryptic so I'd like to give you some insight as to where I'm coming from so as not to leave you in the dark :) ...

speaking of dark..been there done that. and the things that I learned there could not be learned elsewhere, but I'm in the process of trying to utilize those new found skills/insights...

In unhappiness I found indifference. Indifference to outside influences and opinions. Which is completely different than being unaware. I am aware of the common perception and choose to be indifferent, to zone out when things will only cause more harm. In a way, it is a selective blockade, allowing me to pick and choose what will effect those movements forwards. The indifference lets me put on blinders to the things that burn, and stay in the coolness of shadows..(where there is an issue with invisibility, but that's another story..and possibly another poem ;)). It is here I can start building my own being. Where I can make what I want out of myself, choosing only the positive and casting away the negative. Now here is my foundation, independent of dead ideas.

Oh, and I've noticed that these end up being mostly nouns and verbs because I try to keep all the "me"s and "I"s out of it, so everyone can take them in their own way..