Alright, I've been neglectful again so I will at least update from my ipod today lol. So things have been going really well lately! I have found that people are capable of so many different emotions and outlooks simultaneously. It goes back to that whole awareness of contradictions for me.. I'm always torn completely between two different outlooks.. Like I want a good paying job but I don't want to be dependent upon money and materialistic items, or I want to be far away from certain aggravating situations but realize that they are completely neccsesary to be able to learn, or how I have absolutely no patience for some things but am told I have the "patience of a saint" for others. The most potent example lately is in the romance field (approriately enough for the holiday coming up!). I found my independence and with that came the resistance to any type of help or care from another. I told myself that I would, in the words of lady gaga "never love again" and that I would not allow myself to be caught off guard again. I became a hater of all things romantic and cheesy, and still am with certain things. But I can't help but hope for something betteras life has thrown me a wonderful curveball in my little world of love-hatred :P I have been given that hope back of which I was slowly but surely losing grip. There are gifts that everyone gives, whether that be monetary or simply by gracing you with their presence. The latter seems so much less significant, but at certain times (times that should really be all the time) the simple positive presence or support (translation: the God-forbidden l-word..love!)from someone can mean all the world. So happy early Valentine's day from one love-hater-turned-lover to perhaps another :)

the status of hate and love

..takes the hatred and absorbs it into myself because I am stronger than it's viral power..I will be the machinery for its conversion into love..

Life is one big CAMPing trip

Hey, sorry its been a while but I have been keeping myself busy! Intentionally.  I started volunteering at CAMP this past week and am loving it so far.  I worked there when I was in middle school back with Mrs. McPhereson at Garrett.  She was so awesome with instilling that willingness to work for society in us early on.  Well, now I'm the 'oldest' there at CAMP..11 years, wow.  But  they are doing so well now! Very organized and they have a system for everything.  Who would have thought the hungry could get birthday cakes on their birthday (all donated food from stores, people, and govt)! Awesome! I was especially proud of myself because we had a diabetic couple come in who needed wheat instead of white bread because they fill white with sweeteners and sugar..well, we were out of wheat bread, but I tracked down and analyzed the ingredients on a few loaves of Publix Italian Hearth bread that has 0 sugar!! yay :) So I have made myself quite comfortable going there..its nice to chill and grocery shop for people that can't do it for themselves.  and they are the sweetest, most polite people! So heartwarming.  Even the ones who cannot bring themselves to say thanks (be it due to embarrassment, pride, what have you), its visible on their faces and demeanor how much they need it and how much of a hole it fills in them at that moment.

Besides doing that, I picked up a bunch of applications for part time jobs at the mall..I don't really expect to have any luck right away, but I hope something decent will pop up since the mall is on my way back and forth to school and I'm there a lot anyway, it'd be something to do and get paid for :)

Then there's school, doing group presentations and projects so trying to stay on top of all that and incorporate everyone's ideas adequately.  We will be presenting on my birthday, and its also another girl's birthday in my group..so weird.  Oh, and then we'll also get our tests that day to start working on..and this is all monday after super bowl sunday in which the Saints!!! are playing..will be a busy couple of days, that's for sure.

On a more philosophical note, I was reading the Narcissism Epidemic today and a lot of things struck me about how our generation is spoiled rotten and that we are TOLD we are great and BELIEVE we are great, but we actually aren't PROVEN to be great statistically, in fact we are worse.  The book hit on blogging too..but I really don't assume that anyone cares, except my close friends.  This is more of a way for me to keep track so when I'm 80 I can go back and see my thinking process from now.  But it made me think about the different low points in the past and how that disappointment I had for whatever reason was usually due to something in which I felt that I was totally fine, if not BEST at doing :( But its so easy to see and fix when the book addresses it like it did.  It basically said that if you are told you are gifted at something, you believe it and feel confident in it, but in reality are making no improvement or are not very gifted to begin with.  They did a survey that said that the most narcissistic people were not any better looking or accomplished than most, in fact some were worse! lol.  And how Asian cultures do not even have a word for self-esteem, but rather focus on the group good, not the individual.  Interesting, to the point of making me check certain behaviors.  I love learning :)

narcissism

So in leu of my previous post about getting out and doing stuff, I attended a book club meet about The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in a World of Entitlement even though I hadn't bought the book yet, and am so glad I did!! We had a really productive discussion! I didn't know that you can hire paparazzi! Dang! While there were many good points brought up about Narcissism, the meet actually made me realize that the concentration of power and wealth in the very small group of elite is SO unnecessary and avoidable.  We were like, you only need so many cars and jets and crap.  So just think how much better everyone in our world could be if we did away with the unnecessary things in our lives.  While the rich have obvious frivolities, I have just as many in my more humble life than the top CEO of a corporation.  There are organizations with whom I could be better spending my money, there are places that I could be better spending my energy, and there are items in my possession that could be more useful to someone of less fortune than I.

So why do we horde all these things? Why do we not use only what we need and give away the rest? Because we think we're special.  We think because we've worked for it that it is our entitlement.  But I am wanting entitlement less and less now.  I want enough to keep me 'comfortable' in my same social arenas (like nice clothes, cell phone, etc) but even that is more than what I need.  So I think the best thing as a individual to do is to downsize as much as I can without alienating myself from others I need to network with.  Just cut back on the competition and bit and replace it with complacency for the material.

DO.

Today in mass, Fr. Marty started talking about confession and the way he was talking about it made it seem so nonchalant and normal (which, for devout Catholics it really is).  But I never really saw a use for it until now (maybe, still deciding).  In my Human Services class, we have been talking about routes for people to get help and how many people decide to go to their church.  Then I start thinking about how churches are pretty much therapy clinics, with the priest being the psychologist, the various groups being your outside support, and your reconciliations (what the priest tells you to do to get back on track, prayers and such) are your self-improvement projects.  Then I start thinking I want to go to confession and get involved with church because it is pretty much therapy for free.  And I wonder, these issues that are about to bust out of me because I want to talk about them with someone so bad..is the church/community the right place to explore ways of handling them? That's what they are there for right?

So I will give an overview of some of my issues: I was that little girl raised on Disney movies  (Princess ones, in particular) so I have been raised with this view that there is someone perfect out there for you, and when its right, you'll know and all the classic cliches on love.  Well I am giving it up now.  I focus so much on how I am doing in 'that department' and all it does is make me more pissed.  Just the fact that I feel so passionately about it to write it here ticks me off.  But what is there to do about it? I can't just ignore any inkling of love anyone shows me because I love loving people too much, but at times I just want to spare myself the pain and shut myself away so I don't have to deal with the more unfortunate events with romance.  And then there is that part of me that fuels this blog, that wants to share every single little detail with someone just to see a reaction, just to have someone hear or notice or (God forbid)  care.  But then I go right back to the beginning and decide to save myself the pain and keep to myself.  

And then there are the dichotomies.  While any set of interactions with an individual will have ups and downs, do I regret having that interaction because of the downs? Or do I cherish it instead because of the ups? Essentially, do I hold on to hoping for someone to follow through, or do I say goodbye and move on before I'm the one that ends up hurt.  Normally, my reaction is the latter but tonight I look back on my actions and see that I have been holding on to hope for gradually more extended periods of time and that now I want nothing to do with it.  Sometimes it really sucks being a person who can see both sides of the coin and can never choose a side.  

So right now I am in a spot where I want love so bad that I don't even want to think about it because it depresses me.  And at the same time I am in the position to where certain relationships are not progressing any further and holding on to them is possibly hindering the formation of new ones.  

The decision I have decided to make is this: DO.  Just DO.  Anytime I start thinking about something of the past, replace it with the question: what are you about to DO? what are you DOing next? Its like the same thing that made me a workaholic back in the day (which I actually love because of the freedom I have within my own bounds, if that makes any sense).  Its the form of grieving where I stay so busy with the task at hand that I forget everything that is going wrong around me.  Freedom comes in doing, and the only place for the past is this journal.  

So for my mission to DO, I am planning to start volunteering at CAMP (since I have to do 20 hours for a school assignment, its got me interested again..I miss that place) either separately or with the church.  I will also continue volunteering at the St. Francis' Table Soup Kitchen in Atlanta, and I want to either 1) start singing for church or 2) try to pick up a simple job, hopefully a little less stressful than the vet..but I could always go back there.  I just want to fill my schedule as much as possible so that I don't have to think about the one thing in my life that is lacking, that one thing that I have wanted more than anything material.  Now, I shall DO something and go upload a bunch more recipes!  Self improvement is the key!  No longer looking in all the wrong places, rather looking within myself!

A Day with the Vampires }:F

Yesterday was awesome, met the cast of Vampire Diaries..they were amazing! Basically got up there, chatted with the police guarding the door a bit, went in and they cut our 'magic' wristbands that guaranteed we got to see them (sad..wish I could have kept it), then went to stand in a mini-line in the very back corner of the hot topic store where they were set up (it was SO close and intimate! so surprising!) and right before seeing them..me and Lyss caught their eyes from behind the people they were talking to at that moment, so we felt kinda special...then they put our poster down on the table and starting working us down the line of them:


First was Katerina Graham (Bonnie) and she shook my hand and laughed with me at how much fun she must have been having..


Then there was Steven McQueen (Jeremy) who was a LOOOTTT better looking in real life than even on screen, something made him really cute up close..


Then there was Michael Trevino (Tyler) who we kinda skipped over to tell Paul Wesley (Stefan) that we have been following him since Smallville (..i think we made Trevino nervous cuz he asked my sis a few times how she was doing then totally turned red as when I walked by a little too fast!)


Anyway, then we get to Stefan and he's like, 'ohhh wow...smallville..that's a long time ago! Lex's brother ___ Luthor, I really liked that character, he was one of my favorites actually' and then I tell him how that character made me think he was going to be more of the villian in Vampire Diaries, and how I thought his character would be a little more intense and he was like 'intense? i can be intense. you want me to be intense?' And then I noticed that he had the teeth in!!! and I said 'oh my gosh, you have the teeth in!' while he was like 'yeah, ill be intense, i will bite you, i can bite you to be intense' lol!! Then I was like 'ooh, I'm kinda starting to get scared now' and kept going cuz he got really into it..wow.  And i was staring at his teeth the whole time because he was showing them off and they looked so real!!! Awesome.


Then there was Candice Accola (Catherine) who laughed with me and Stefan about the biting, and she was really sweet talking with my sister, but at this point I was getting kinda awkward so we just went through the 'hey, how you doing's' and smiled a lot..


Then there was Nina Dobrev (Elena) who struck me as really spunky and tomboyish :) she was like 'hey, how ya doin?' kinda like the Italians say it, but she was really sweet, very smiley while I just stared :P


THEN, there was Ian Somerhalder (Damon)!!!!! I have been following this kid since he played Adam Knight on Smallville, and Lyss beats me to telling him that first and he's like 'wow, Smallville was a while ago' to her, then I come in and instead of repeating everything say 'Smallville right?' and he's like 'yeaah' and holds up his fist to fist bump me!! It took me a second, but I was thinking 'he is waiting to fist bump you..oh. my. gawd.' and so its like slow mo when I'm bringing my hand up to fist bump him, but it was great :) then I continue.. 'when you played Adam...Adam something..' and he's like 'Adam...Adam Knight..yeah, poor guy, he got killed off right away...' and then I'm moving down the line and stop and turn back really fast and am like 'wait, you, are you gonna be in this last season of Lost?' and he's like 'well yes, yes I am' OMG!!!!!! I was like 'YEEESS!!! thank you!'


Because my goal of the day was to hear it out of his mouth, I kinda just smiled and looked at the last three characters Sara Canning (Jenna), Matthew Davis (Aleric), and Zach Roerig (Matt)...but in all fairness I didn't even know they would be there, so unfortunately I had NO idea what to say..but I was floating WAYYY up on cloud 9 by then, so.. :)


And that was it! I wandered out of the store aimlessly and not completely about my wits :P then i find Lyss and we talk to the camera man for the CW and tell him about the experience and such, then we wander around the mall a bit before going to the concert/QA session they hold in the main area of the mall..

And if that wasn't enough vampires for one day, me and Lyss go see daybreakers and then I start thinking about WHY exactly vampires have hung around so long as a popular myth and when I remember my philosophical thoughts on that, I'll post.  For now....OH MY GAWD!!!!! Fin.

"I love weddings! Drinks all around!" - the great philosopher Cap'n Jack

It was kinda sad but in my Human Services class today we were talking to our teacher about her marriage that is soon to take place in about a year or so.  She said she found it funny how her husband is the one who wants the whole to-do with the wedding and all and how she just wants to be married with him and maybe a few family members.

Then a good few of the girls in the rest of the class (all girls except 3 guys) stated that they want the same..to rather elope somewhere with just the guy and to keep family out of it.  I silently was screaming in my head "yes yes yes!!! I don't want a wedding because its just all expensive show for the families, when really they should have no say in your marriage at all" (only the shorter version of that, haha).


I wonder if that has anything to do with female independence or with trying not to get our hopes up for something that has been portrayed as so unattainable, since we are taught that if it isn't perfect, then it isn't worth it.  Just some thoughts..

Vividity

Most of the time we feel our lives are mundane and we are stuck in the same routine obligations day in and day out..so we find ways to change it up.  We do things to keep from being blinding by the haze of our humdrum.  This has not been so much the case for me lately.  


I am seeing things very vividly now, where nothing is any shade of gray.  It is all either blindingly bright or so completely void.  Little joyous events (probably mundane to some) shatter through the misguided blindness like starting a fuse in the middle of the darkest night.  


There were a few of these moments this week, where all that was around me fell away while my focus was completely absorbed by some moment that genuinely made me happy.  The moment right before this fascination, I was gently drifting in a huge void, not sure which way to turn or how much force to exert or in which direction to exert it.  And then it was like I was being sucked so clearly into an entirely different dimension where everything already had a place and purpose and everything was already planned out.  A world of wonder side by side with a world of worry, separated only by the division of attention.  


While I'm often times reluctant to return back to the drifting world I currently live in, I try to hold on to the specifics about those moments that make them so special and groundbreaking at a time when I do not even feel the ground beneath me. 

ready to launch! announcing....

Well alllrighty! I was thinking about how much I bake and cook and how I have to cut and paste all my recipes into a booklet because I refuse to have one of those horribly disheveled boxes that chew up all your beloved recipes and spit them back out in multiple pieces.  

So I have decided to document my recipes on the net! I am happy to announce the launching of other blog Project Mangia!  It will essentially be my online recipe book! I have essentially been using others' recipes and editing them to my liking..its sort of been my little ongoing experiment to find the best of every staple American dessert/food.  It all started with these sugar cookies of whose texture and taste I was ENTIRELY too picky.  But alas, I HAD to find the perfect recipe for them and wound up making my own version of many recipes combined.  

I can't wait to share this with everyone and hope you all have as much luck with these recipes as I have! 

don't tase me bro!

Lol.ever been tased??  Well, though I am no criminal, I can now say I have lol.  Not exactly one of my life aspirations, but I'm all for trying new things so I thought, what the heck (of course, after seeing that it didn't really hurt)? Turns out the thing is pretty much a scare tactic.  The zapping sound is really loud, but it wasn't painful at all.  It felt like someone poking you with a staple or something sharp.  It did leave a bit of a hot sensation on the skin after, but it didn't even leave a mark.  It was quite an interesting experience.  It would actually be a good self-defense mechanism to have, because unlike a gun or knife...if turned on you, it really wouldn't cripple you or kill you (I don't think).  But it would probably still do the job of getting the perp to back off.  An interesting consideration, especially with this criminal justice class I'm taking..maybe I'll bring it up in class Wednesday..